Mandy was kind enough to volunteer to drive me to the Miami Airport, a location I avoid whenever possible. The flight from Miami to JFK required an equipment change, which meant I missed my connection in NY. Ann and I were on that leg together, so I got a flight a couple of hours after hers. Nothing horrible, just a pain in the ass.

We arrived at our hotel around 12:30 pm. Auntie Laurie was napping. I discovered I forgot my makeup, so I went to Boots, the main drug store there, to replenish. Getting ready for the concert proved hazardous. I blew a fuse in the room. The coils in my hair dryer started glowing red. Ann and I were in the bathroom when she sniffed and asked if I smelled fire. We wander into the bedroom and my curling iron was in flames on the floor. Ann reached to unnplug it. Probably not her most thought out move, but it worked. The plastic was melted on the floor and the rod looked like a sad little stick. Laurie, 5 feet away, kept napping. This from the woman who says she doesn't sleep well.


The ticket stated show at 7:00. Over there (at least at this venue), that means the doors open at 7ish. I wandered around the side of the building and caught Keith and Dean. Kim (a mostly lurker on the board) from Raleigh, NC was back there chatting too. Odd that someone who lives in the same town as Ann was there. We finally got in and made our way to the 3rd or 4th row. The venue was nice, but tight and smoky. They sold gigantic pigs in a blanket (a hollowed out baguette with a foot long dog).

The after show had a lot of people, many whom I think the guys know from the old European tours. I later read someone thought Jason Priestly was there. I'm sorry I didn't see him - he's my all time favorite TV kisser. I told Ann pre-show that she needed to see Chris, Kevin's new tech. I knew she'd love to look at him. She saw him on stage and whole heartedly agreed - he's yummy. Post show I'm talking to Steve, Ann wanted to stay put on the couch. I turn around and who is chatting her up? Chris. Typical.

We drug our jet-lagged selves back to the hotel around 12:30. It was locked and dark. Do a lot of fancy hotels have curfews??


Next day we took a 2 hour train ride to York. We saw a forgettable play that evening in a lovely theater. The main tourist part of York is surrounded by a stone wall. We had a two bedroom flat that was a 7-ish minute walk outside of the walls. It's a pretty little city with good pubs and lots of interesting historical venues. The York Minster is in the walled area. What can you say, it's another gorgeous old European church. One day we drove to Harewood House, an old estate that is still occupied on the top floor by the family.

I'll touch on my favorite sites in this area. Or, rather, most entertaining.

The Treasurer's House Why did I enjoy this big home more than any others? Because it was clear from the audio by the third or forth room that Frank Green, the last resident, was a big queen. Annie and Laurie didn't really notice until I pointed it out. He was excessively fussy, would check on the servant's work when they slept, send his clothes to be laundered in London, no mention of women, and the last room has portraits of his prissy dogs. Afterwards, we noticed the brochure called him "the eccentric bachelor". Isn't bachelor the polite Brit way of saying gay? I just kept hearing Jack and Karen's commentary as I walked around. Karen: "The big mo had pretty good taste! Now where'd he stash the liquor and boys?"

Viking Center Several people suggested we visit there. It promised the sites, sounds, and smells of 1000 years ago in York. I think Ann and Laurie didn't understand why I kept going on about how I most certainly did NOT want to experience the smells. Laurie didn't go, but I can safely say Ann probably now knows why. It was like a Disney ride - we got into a moving buggy with two people behind us. We rode along and looked at some kinda cheesy automatons. The smell was immediate. I'm not even sure what they use to produce it, but whoever came up with the idea should be forced to sit in that room everyday until they stop it. It reminded Ann of the formaldehyde the cats we had to dissect in high school were stored in. I think that was being generous. But the fun doesn't stop there. What good is a UK tourist attraction without poop?! Please see the poop section for details.

Castle Museum This was kind of a strange mix of displays. It was sectioned by subject matter, past to present. Things like marriage, death, weddings, and vacuum cleaners. You know, things of historical importance. Rest assured it had a display on poop. See the poop section.

Some of the other sites we went to:
Cliffords Tower, The Shambles, Richard III Museum (Neat location - in the wall)


Took the train back to London. Arrived around 5 pm, we had tickets to see Jerry Springer, The Opera that night. The musical was very silly and fun. I thought the guy who played Jerry was 80% Jerry, 20% Woody Allen. Ann and Laurie didn't see it, but I'm guessing I have more Woody recognition than either of them. My favorite parts were the tap dancing KKK guys (having their "Jerry Springer Moment") and Jesus' rebuttal to Adam and Eve's complaint about the forbidden fruit ("but not vegetables!"). And, yes, there was someone playing Steve. He was much prettier than the real Steve.


*Ann and I took the tube to Camden. Public transportation is so amazing there. Camden is a kinda punk, young area that sold funky clothes and shoes (all the stores had the same ones) and many bongs. We saw one of the most beautiful young men in London working at a restaurant.
*National Portrait Gallery - A great photo exhibit
*Fortnum & Mason, a fancy dept store, for lunch - one of the best meals we had. What they say is true, the food ain't fabulous there unless you love Indian. I don't. Ann and I were told not to handle the 580 pound ($, not weight) hat. Brits do love their hats. The bigger and piled with more crap, the better.
*Saw Beautiful and Damned. A musical about F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife, Zelda. I read some crappy reviews after, but we loved it. My only complaint is there are several tedious slow songs. No one else seemed bothered. I must go read something besides The Great Gatsby now. Again, homoerotic innuendo with Ernest Hemingway that my co-travelers didn't pick up on. Because straight guys always insist on checking out other men's dicks. (Click here - so Ann and Laurie don't think I made it up.)


*Walk by Parliament and Big Ben. Parliament amazes me - the size and detail is overwhelming.
*Westminster Abbey - This was probably my favorite stop the whole trip. Amazing, considering my views on religion should cause me to combust when I enter a church. I found the beauty of it staggering. No mention of poop.
*We decided from there to walk to Kensington Palace. Those of you that know the geography know this is one hell of a walk. We passed Buckingham Palace around 11, so we decided to watch the changing of the guard. The flag was raised, which means the Queen was in residence. The guys kept doing the same "I have something sticky on the bottom of my shoe" march back and forth, so we got bored and continued. Went to Hyde Park and walked and walked and walked. We made it about ¾ of the park and I insisted on a cab. We arrive at Kensington to find it's more expensive than any other attraction, so we left.
*Vinopolis - a wine museum on the other side of town. It we weren't so tired it would have been better. They had tastings. Yum.
*Saw Henry IV. Excellent.


*Harrods. You know that one, the huge department store. Fun to look at, great "food court", can't afford anything.
*Victoria and Albert Museum We went to see the Vivienne Westwood exhibit. There's so much to see, but we left after that.
*We attempted to take a tour of Royal Albert Hall, but arrived too late.


Laurie's friend, Mick, was a beefeater at the Tower of London until last fall. He met Ann and I there to give us the behind the scene tour. It's not, as I thought before the first time I went, just a tower. The British Crown Jewels are housed there (and on display), the Queen has a residence (but I doubt is ever used), and it's just full of fascinating stories of royals and the horrible things they did to one another to stay in power. And some nicer stories, but not many. Very, very interesting. And poop.


Headed home. Ann got stuck in NY for an extra 7 hours.


Brits are obsessed with poop. I mentioned it to Mick from the Tower. He wholeheartedly agreed and said all he and his countrymen discuss is weather and bowel movements. At least here it's only the old people who are preoccupied with these topics. He proceeded to give me lessons on different words for "toilets". My favorite was "shit house", but pronounced like "shi-toose". It made it sound pretty and French. Also, they are always downstairs in restaurants. There's no way a handicapped person is able to relieve themselves in this country. Here were my favorite poop moments:

As we traveled through the reeking Viking exhibit, our audio was telling us of common life a thousand years ago. The cart stops in front of a little fence next to a house with a man's head peaking over top, sporting a tremendous grimace. The audio continues "and here a villager relieves himself, right by his home". There were even sound effects with some very serious grunting. I guess food of yore wasn't high in fiber.

The Castle Museum had a display (next to the history of vacuums) about laundry and toilets. Did you know people used to pee in their laundry because the ammonia acted as a bleach? Anyway, the narrative on the wall said they often move the old ash from their fires to outside potty locations. And what was below that essay? A large shadowbox with a pile of ash and a tremendous fake turd on it. Why, oh why, did they feel the need to give us a visual on that? And that thing came out of no human being, I can tell you. It was the size of a small child.

The Tower of London's bathroom has won several "Loo of the Year" Awards. How do I know this? The plaques announcing it are proudly hung inside. As I typed this, I had to do a web search. See for yourself. There is a British Toilet Association. Oh, and there is "No eating or drinking" allowed in the stalls at the Tower. Just in case you brought a picnic in with you.

The bathroom in the wall in York (a hole in the floor) had a sign reminding you that it was not a useable toilet.

I remember reading that one of the reasons Gwenyth Paltrow is so fond of London is because the residents so sophisticated and well mannered. Gweny and I must have a different tour guide.